Talking About Stalking

By Brad Parker

He has been calling you, following you and is now threatening you. Chances are he is your ex. But, there is almost an equal chance he can be a co-worker, an acquaintance or even a stranger.

Should you be worried? Or should you just let it blow over?

Don’t bet your life on it. More information is coming out on stalking and it’s scary.

A recent Justice Department study found a link between stalking and domestic violence. The study, Attorney General Janet Reno said, "indicates that stalking is a bigger problem than we previously thought." She called it "an act of terror that builds a prison of fear around its victims." The study included a survey of 8,000 women and 8,000 men. Among the women surveyed, 59 percent said their stalkers were husbands, boyfriends or men with whom they had lived. The Justice Department study found that 8.1 percent of women and 2.2 percent of men reported being stalked at least once. Researchers projected that one in 12 American women and one in 45 men are stalked at least once.

Listen to "Alex’s" story in her own words. She barely lived through a couple of attacks by a stalker.

"For the past two years this lunatic has been disrupting my life. Or, the life that I used to have. He started with threatening phone calls, escalated to slashing car tires and cutting brakelines, and then to top it off, paying me a visit early last Christmas morning by pounding on my front door, drunk (and drugged?) with a gun. The sheriff deputies asked me if he had THREATENED me. I replied that I consider a gun a threat. They persisted and I honestly answered them. There were no VERBAL threats, that he was here (there) to kill me. No police report, they just left and I finally got it through my sweet soul that something was really seriously wrong. I have no family so this was hard to comprehend. My neighbors refused to get involved. They were afraid he would come after them. "We don't want to be in the line of fire." Swell. My friends for four years. I innocently/stupidly thought he was just obsessed. My "expert" therapist said he had an infantile obsession and would never physically harm me. Two months later he caught me all right. Nearly severed my spinal chord. I pretended to faint after he snapped my neck. He loosened his grip, preparing to commit necrophilia (rape a dead woman)--barf barf barf. This is when I jolted up and got loose. The police took nearly 20 minutes, despite 13 911 calls. "If the police don't arrive soon, the woman [upstairs] will be dead." "Hi. I live three blocks away and a woman is being murdered. I can hear her screaming for help."

"The cops only charged him with misdemeanor simple battery. I was bruised, scratched, had my clothes shredded off me, and my left eye was nearly scratched shut. I still don't remember all of it except that he dragged me around the house by my neck and didn't say a word the entire time. I still can't get those images out of my mind. I screamed my lungs out and only managed to escape because I faked dead and ran away while he prepared to rape me --the police found condoms beside the crime scene. The deputies further humiliated me with the might-as-well have been naked photos, trampling on my belonging, and then five male officers leaving me there alone. "He's going to jail," was their only reply.

"Well soon after, I began to grow paralyzed on my left side. My doctor, the MRIs, and the neurosurgeon all determined that he had nearly severed my spinal chord. I had neurosurgery, cervical spine fusion. I never in my life imagined such pain. I have been athletic all of my life, but those days are over. I am now partially permanently disabled. I moved, with the rescue of my 69-year old mom, 60 miles away, just before the surgery. I spent the entire summer in a body brace, went from 5'5 and 118 to 91 lbs. My mom obviously had to go "home" and resume her life. She filled my place with enough food for a normal person to survive for at least three months, bless her. What honestly got me through it are my self-esteem, my pets, and my gratitude that at least I had survived an extremely dangerous operation. Life support, intensive care. I was, and still am, incensed that he was only being charged with misdemeanor simple battery rather than attempted murder or at least aggravated assault. But I went through the depositions and just before trial I had to be hospitalized because my heartbeat wouldn't slow lower than 170 beat a minute. This for an athlete? Stress.

"I bailed and decided that my life meant more than his probation or court-ordered anger counseling. As soon as I did this, he had me beat up by a couple of guys, and then five days later came after me himself. I had moved to a new neighborhood with very responsive local police. They were there in 90 seconds after my 911 call. He is now is jail, no chance of getting out. I have lost so much, yet I am proud of myself that this hasn't literally driven me crazy. He is finally in really big FELONY trouble. Aggravated stalking (penitentiary), probably attempted murder or at least aggravated stalking, and then an assortment of other crimes like violations or restraining order, contempt of court. I make a good living, am self-employed. Of course, this year, my life and money went straight to Hell. But for all of you, I am so full of hope. He spent Christmas, now New Year's, [and will spend his next] birthday, my birthday, in jail. I am only embarrassed that this is all true. But I am getting some decent counseling, medical and psychiatric help. I am moving again. I will be working again in a few weeks, making good money again too. I have so much faith and self-esteem. No one else seems to understand where this inner strength comes from. All I can answer is, HE has the problem. Not me. I am a survivor of a violent crime. Not all men are creeps. I don't consider him human. I actually want to meet a great guy and settle down soon. Right now, not a good time. But soon.

"I count my blessings. The paralysis isn't noticeable to others, the scars aren't very obvious, and I am an Academy Award Winner pretending that nothing is wrong. I am perfectly normal and happy. My entire family has deserted me. My pets are always here. But I am starting a whole new life. I hate crying alone."

From Alex’s story, you can see the powerful impact an attack can have on someone.

"Rose" was being stalked by a man who literally broke into her house and moved in all his possessions. "Edna" has emerged from a year in the hospital, having survived a vicious attack from a stalker. Her attacker had repeatedly threatened to kill her and she had a restraining order on him.

"Donna" is currently being stalked by her ex-husband. He vandalizes her home, damages her car at night, goes to her work and leaves messages on her car. Even though she has obtained an Injunction for Protection her ex has violated this 24 times and he is still out on the street.

It seems that many of the stalking stories one sees end in tragedy as the pursuer clings more desperately to the victim as she takes steps to remove herself from his attention. In the end you must be prepared to defend yourself, because, in the end, his final assault on you is the catharsis of a depraved "if I can’t have you nobody will" attitude.

How can you prevent or stop someone from stalking you? There doesn’t seem to be any clear-cut answers.

However, it seems that the most complete, best intentioned information does not answer the most important question; "he’s attacking me, please God what do I do now?"

An attack is an attack, whether the subject is trying to rob you, rape you or make you a part of his bizarre fetish. The principles of self-defense always hold true.

It looks as though one of the most frustrating parts of being a victim of a stalker is the paralyzing way the stalker invades almost every aspect of your life. Maintaining your privacy should be high on your list of priorities. Unfortunately, you might have to make some major life adjustments should your stalker be someone formerly intimate with you. You might have to take drastic measures such as moving, driving a different car, changing banks, altering your schedule, foregoing your favorite restaurant. Even then, some women who have done this have still met a violent end when the estranged husband or boyfriend shows up at her place of work.

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