TALKING YOUR WAY OUT OF A RAPE

By Susan Bartelstone

SORRY!  Wish I could tell you it could be done but it can't be done – at least in the way we would all like. If you find yourself in a dangerous encounter, however, you may still have some very good options.

What is a Confrontation?

Experts I call the "ologists" (psychologists, sociologists, criminologists, victimologists, linguicians and rhetoricians that I studied with over the years) have scientifically proven a few things about confrontations:

1. attacks only happen 2 ways: an all out assault (often a surprise attack) where your only choice is to fight or submit; or a face-to-face where the assailant will talk first before attacking
2. the majority of attackers (both rapists and muggers) want an easy encounter and often size up their targets first to make sure they have a "good" victim (this is called the Testing Process); Predator-Criminals (the minority) are often not deterred by anything and may not ask questions first
3. how a person initially responds when "tested" can determine whether the attack is deterred, and if not deterred, its level of violence (even when dealing with Predator-Criminals)
4. there are five things you can do to defuse (or even deter) confrontations: stay calm and focused, don't look scared, don't sound scared, don't act scared, and respond assertively

Pick Your Battles Carefully. Some confrontations can be easily avoided and others are unavoidable. If a confrontation can be avoided there should be no confrontation. That is the safest response because there are no simple ones any more. Any time you confront someone (even when you are absolutely in the right), you should be prepared for the possibility it could escalate into violence. People get killed for unwittingly cutting someone off in a car, or mistakenly jumping the line at a supermarket. So avoid, avoid, avoid whenever possible. Criminal confrontations, unfortunately, are (usually) forced on us and can't be avoided.

The goal of a confrontation is always to defuse it without violence and get out of there — not to correct social injustices, serve as therapy for real or perceived past injustices or anything else.

The use of Assertive Verbal Strategies (or "Verbals" as I call them) is an important component of responding assertively. In the most dangerous situations, like when you are trapped or facing a weapon, they can be real lifesavers. There are, basically, two kinds of "Verbals" — Passive and Assertive.

Passive Verbal Strategies. Passive Strategies — such as saying you're pregnant, or that you have AIDS, or even being friendly towards an attacker to try to get him to see you as a "person" rather than an object (very popular some years ago) — send a weak psychological message. You are sending the message that you need something to save you other than you.

The purpose of Passive Strategies most definitely IS to talk your way out of a rape and, while they do accomplish this purpose sometimes, the experts say that most often they are NOT associated with the successful avoidance of rape.

Assertive Verbal Strategies. Passive Strategies and Assertive Strategies are two very different tactics but they are usually confused with each other. The purpose of "Verbals" is NOT to talk your way out of a rape. They aim to accomplish three specific things:

• to reduce the violence level in an encounter and prevent you from being seriously injured or killed (especially if the rape is unavoidable); and/or
• to stall for time until you can attract attention and get help; and/or
• to set up openings for evasive action or fighting

"Verbals" are particularly useful:

• when you are trapped and can't escape right away (such as kidnappings, carjackings, intruder in the home)
• in the most dangerous kind of situations where the option of fighting is strongly recommended, but where it is often too dangerous to take evasive action or fight right away (such as when a weapon is pointed at you)
• in a confrontation with a Predator-Criminal who won’t be deterred by a "non-victim" attitude or body language

I've heard and read many stories over the years on how effective "Verbals" can be. They are very clearly associated with the successful avoidance of rape. The two strategies I think are the most powerful, and that I use in my courses, are Cooperation Strategy and Fast-Talk Bargaining Strategy (of which there are many variations).

Cooperation Strategy. Promising cooperation is most important for lowering the violence level in a criminal confrontation so it is the first one to use. Responses like "I'll do what you want, you don't have to hurt me," or "I won't resist, you don't have to hurt me" are good examples. [Note the difference between "Please please please don't hurt me, I'll do anything you want," (begging) and "I'll do what you want, you don't have to hurt me" (assertive).] Cooperation Strategy, when used in conjunction with non-victim body language and demeanor, should be enough to convince an attacker that violence is not necessary, at least at that point in time. And, don't worry about promising you will offer no resistance, it is ok to lie to a criminal in order to stall for time.

Fast-Talk Bargaining Strategy. This strategy consists of simply saying anything you can think of, as quickly as you can think it, to stall for time until you can attract attention to your situation, get help, or come up with a plan of action.

Here are 2 examples of how "Verbals" have been used:

Example #1: Stalling for Time in Order to Get Help

Nurse Kidnapped from Parking Lot. A paroled rapist, recently released after 10 years in jail, went to the parking lot of a hospital and forced a nurse (just getting off from the night shift) into her car at knifepoint. She did not resist him. (Cooperation Strategy).

As it happened, she was low on gas, so she was able to convince him to stop at a gas station (Fast-Talk Bargaining Strategy). She kept him at ease and off-guard with her seeming cooperation. While they were at the gas station filling up, she created a diversion by banging on the horn, yelling and making noise. When he got distracted, she hit him in the face with her pocketbook (which was lying in between them on the front seat), jumped out of the car and ran into the station for help.

Facing a Weapon. Many law enforcement experts advise never to get into a car, or allow yourself to be taken to a different location, because kidnappings are the most brutal and deadly of all crimes. Resisting may not seem very desirable, however, when a knife is at your throat and you don't really know how to defend yourself against it. On the other hand, if you believe you are going to be killed no matter what you do then you have nothing to lose by fighting, so you might as well go for it. The important thing to remember here is that there are no absolutes in crime situations. Every situation is different and must be evaluated individually. Only do what feels safest to you at the time, no matter what any "expert" may say.

Bearing that in mind, my opinion is that in common crime scenarios involving a weapon, it is safer to use "Verbals" initially rather than fight. "Verbals" still offer you the option of fighting, but at a more strategically advantageous time of your own choosing. The following is a good example of how to find that strategically advantageous time to act.

Example #2: Stalling for Time to Create Openings

Intruder with a Knife. A woman in one of the studies I read described how she woke up one night to find a man straddling her chest and holding a knife to her throat. He had entered through an open window in her apartment. First, she assured him that she would not resist and would do anything he wanted (Cooperation Strategy to control the violence level). Next, she asked him to let her go to the bathroom (Fast-Talk Bargaining). This allowed her to continue to stall for time and got her out of a position where she was pinned down. When she came out of the bathroom, she persuaded him to let her have a beer, telling him it would relax her and stop her from being nervous, and she offered him one too (more Fast-Talk Bargaining). She began to act as if they were on a date, engaging him in small talk and trying to get him off-guard.

After a while, he was so much at ease he put the knife down on the kitchen counter. That was her opening. She grabbed the knife and threw it underneath a nearby cabinet where he could not get it. Then she picked up a heavy frying pan and hit him over the head, dazing him enough so she could run out of the apartment.

How can you be sure you will stay calm enough to strategize and plan when you are scared to death? The answer is twofold:

• be mentally prepared to deal with crime and violence beforehand; and
• get training

The "Be Mentally Prepared" Exercise. The women in the two previous examples used "Verbals" unwittingly. Image how much more effective they are when used knowingly. Here is an exercise that will help. Pretend that your mind is a blank computer and you are programming safety responses into it. First, identify at least 5 potential safety problems that exist in your personal life or daily routine, for example, coming home late at night, riding the subways, frequent business travel, encountering a mugger, or being trapped in an abusive relationship. Or, you can use the scenarios from the previous examples (being followed, an intruder in your home, a carjacking). Next, do some research: read a few personal safety books, get a good safety video, surf the 'Net' for tips (see "10 Tips for Keeping Yourself Safe!" at http://www.fightsafe.com/). Then, formulate and write down in minute detail a Safety Plan for each problem, including "Verbals" and strategies. Try to come up with a few different options for each situation. Rehearse them periodically so they become second nature. The more options you are familiar with, the more likely you will think of a safe response when you hit the "panic button" and the quicker you will act.

Training Makes the Difference. Experts in my field have estimated that 3 out of 4 people who receive proper training will successfully deter crime. So take a Rape Prevention or Self Defense course and put the odds of success in your favor. A good course gives you confidence, accuracy and a first-hand glimpse of your own (often surprising) physical power. More importantly, it is the quickest way to break through the mental barriers that limit us and separate us from our inner warrior. For crime survivors, it can also be an invaluable part of the healing process.

Don't put it off. Get as much training as time and monetary constraints allow. There are a variety of different courses available everywhere. Some are lecture only with no physical contact and some emphasize fighting. Some are women-only, some are co-ed. Some have both male and female instructors and others only female or only male instructors. It's not an either-or situation; take as many different ones as you can.

Sometimes nothing can be done to prevent the outcome of a situation, no matter how much training you have. Submitting, with or without resistance, is a valid option for any type of crime, but especially for rape; and submitting does not equal consent. There are no right or wrong responses. Whatever you did to escape alive was the right response for you.

It is common to feel guilt or shame about what happened. Call yourself a survivor and not a victim. With the proper professional help, you can learn to put what happened in perspective and get on with your life. Get in touch with a local Rape Crisis or Domestic Violence program for a referral to a counselor that deals specifically with crime survivors. Self Defense courses can also be an invaluable part of the healing process.

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Years ago, Susan Bartelstone had a bad break-up with a guy -- complete with physical and emotional bruises -- and she became determined to learn how to protect herself. After 7 years of martial arts, 10 years of defensive tactics with military and law enforcement experts, and over 200 hours of crime prevention training (with such agencies as the FBI, the New York State Department of Justice and the Long Island Association of Crime Prevention Officers), she is now a Personal Safety Specialist and writer on the subject of crime and safety.

For over 12 years, she has been teaching women the skills they need to help them keep safe, as well as how to find their "fighting heart." Her work has been cited in a long and varied list of publications including SELF, SHAPE, McCALLS, and the New York Times and her media appearances include "America's Most Wanted," the NBC News Special "Survival Guide" and National Public Radio's "The Satellite Sisters" show. She also designed and introduced the first Online Self Defense Course at the prestigious New School in New York City. Visit her at her Website www.fightsafe.com or e-mail her at mailto:solutions@fightsafe.com.